who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
work smarter, not harder
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
a public service announcement
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines