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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…