He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.