*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday