My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
fixed it