Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.