“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Brb my Sims are getting married
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
This checks out
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap