“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
yeah 😭
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
if a cop pulls u over play dead
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.