We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
How about daylight saves us for once
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours