COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
🙀🙀🙀😹
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.