I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
classic mixup
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.