I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.