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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
i’m still crying at this
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
True.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
cry laughing at this shit
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey