I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.