Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
This checks out
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Yep.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect