I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.