*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?