You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me