Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Life hack
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.