wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
December birthdays be like…
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…