“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?