Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness