Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.