Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
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Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
😂😂😂
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.