those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m confused about plants
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My support group can outdrink your support group.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.