*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
had to make it
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher