wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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*bites zombie*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first