If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Eat…
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.