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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.