you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.