Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The future is now.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
This was my dad’s browser history.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
this is how life feels
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude