in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant