I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.