Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise