rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
You Might Also Like
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Seas the day!!!!
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Same pineapple, same
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾