[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Hotels are back
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?