Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Your honor these allegations are
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”