Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it