Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
goldfish mafia
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.