very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
is this meant to deter me
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok