We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby