yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Thursday Thought.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday