who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
inside you are two wolves
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.