interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“