Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”