Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day