They must have gotten it to go.
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”