My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.