Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”