co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Can’t stop laughing
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Anyone else having a near life experience today?